Mommy Guilt

Websters Dictionary has 3 definitions for guilt they are
1: the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty; broadly : guilty conduct 2 a: the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously b: feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy : self-reproach 3: a feeling of culpability for offenses

None of them really hit on mommy guilt, especially the guilt of a HOM mommy. I was visiting with a new mommy of triplets today and I was holding her very beautiful baby girl we were discussing the feeling of guilt as you let one or two or all three of our children cry while we deal with the others or simply stick our heads under the pillow and scream because we don't know what to do.

There are so many stages and degrees of mommy guilt but tonight I think I'll just discuss a couple.

• First feeling of guilt not being able to carry them all to full term causing them to be in the NICU out of my reach being poked and prodded and seperated..
• Being wheeled out of the hospital with only flowers in my arms, leaving my babies behind
• Not being able to keep up with breast milk supply for all three
• Leaving Abigail behind- this perhaps will eat me up for the rest of my life. I was so happy to be bringing two babies home but incredibly guilt ridden for taking away her brother and sister, I get tearry eyed now just thinking of it.
• The countless times I couldn't get them fed in time and they screamed.
• The countless times they just wanted to be held and I just couldn't hold all three the way they needed.
• Propping bottles, this is not the way you picture feeding your children or anyones children for that matter. Feeding them should be a time for bonding not sticking a blanket under their chin while they lay on a pillow.
• James getting RSV
• Taking Katie for antibiotic shots 3 days in a row.
• Taking Katie to the ER for pneumonia and letting her have blood drawn and a cathater

And tonight knocking my poor baby down to the hard concrete because I couldn't see her in the dark. I knew she was there why didn't I make sure Daddy had her before I walked where I couldn't see? I am blind in the dark I need more light than the majority of people and I know this. It didn't stop me though I plowed right into her knocking her down and then sweeping her into my arms and getting her into the light as quick as I could to see what I had done. Now it wasn't bad just skinned knees and hands. Thank God her head didn't hit the ground.

There have been so many days of guilt and I know there are WAY more to come these are just a few. I always thought my mom was good at making me feel guilty for things but ha I couldn't even imagine all the guilt I had caused her.